Life is all about helping each other!  A place to talk, share, learn and listen.
Friday January 19 , 2018
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A new blog will be posted weekly.  My intent is to offer you hope and encouragement in happiness and during life’s struggles.  Life is so short and so precious.  I wish you love, happiness and prosperity every moment of everyday.

To All of the Fathers of the World Who Left, and To all the Children Who’ve Never Met Them

While reading this, please bear in mind that it is not just father's who leave.  There are also mothers who chose to leave. Whatever their reasons are; try your best to put yourself in their shoes.  This is a tool for those whom might need it.  I love my father, I just don't know him.

I never met you face to face.  I’ve heard a lot of stories about you, none of them good.   I heard you were tall, and that you were no good.  I remember the day you left; you were so tall you looked like a giant.  But I guess to every two year old, everything is big.  I remember asking my mom who you were, and then just walked away.  I remember the house in Harvey was huge, we had no furniture.  I had this old curler box that I grabbed right away so no one else could take it and it was my little table.  That’s where I ate my hotdogs and beans for breakfast, lunch and dinner.  Ate that for a long time, but I never went hungry thanks to my mom.  I guess throughout the years I never thought of you.  I heard how you and my mom had met, I always thought growing up that Navy men were good men, but not you.  I was raised to think that they were good men; at least that’s what my Uncle’s would tell me.  I always had to make excuses for you growing up and I must have grown tired of it.  You know the family tree in school, the medical questions, etc.  Finally I just told them that you were dead.  It seemed a lot easier than trying to explain things.  I remember getting a gift from you.  I was so mad, it didn’t even have my name on it, to make it easier there were two presents with my siblings name on it.  I guess you forgot my name.  I threw the brown suede purse in the garbage.  After awhile I went and got it out, hung onto it for many years, it was the only thing that linked us together.

As I grew older I started to wonder what you looked like or sounded like.  I even had the perfect plan for when we met.  I was going to stand right next to you in a train station and just look at you.  Look at your eyes, your hands, your height, your build.  And then I would walk away.  You see I would have the advantage of knowing it was you that I was standing next to.  You wouldn’t know it was me.  And I would be the one to walk away this time.  But none of that ever happened.  It was just a dream.

Later on when I was in High School, I was 16 or 17 we had spoken and you wanted me to come and visit.  I had a boyfriend and school and a full time job.  You even invited my boyfriend to come out as well.  I declined; I had too much going on between school and work.  A few years later, I spoke with you again.  This time I was married and had my first child, your grandson.  Then we lost contact for about 20 years.  We spoke briefly after that, and lost contact again for another 10 years.

Where did all the time go?  You were busy with your life, I was busy with mine.  Whose fault is it that everything happened the way it did?  I guess we can sit and point fingers all day long, but who is that helping?  No one!

I had extended an offer for me to fly out and meet you.  I had asked that you think about it and then let me know so that I can make the arrangements.  Three weeks later, no phone call.  I am leaving tomorrow to go on a vacation with my husband.  I made other plans when I didn’t hear from you.  Maybe like in school, you are dead.  I guess you have issues that you haven’t dealt with.  We’ll try again in another ten years.

My advice to the parent who has left behind a child, whatever the circumstance was, just make it right.  Take that hatchet and throw it hard on the ground, and then pull yourself together and walk over to a mirror and look at yourself and say “I have a beloved child on this earth whom I have not seen, whom I have not hugged, nor told I love you” and you go out and find that child.  If years have gone by, they are now an adult.  And be ready, be a man because you are not going to like the anger that is going to coming at you.  Expect and accept the harsh words against you.  You deserve them in the child’s eyes.  Explain your best, but don’t lie!  Children are so forgiving.   And get to know that child and give them every ounce of moral support you have in you so they can try to make it in this tough world.  You owe them that.  It’s not about money.  It’s all about the love and the strong sense of belonging, the family ties, and the pride in just knowing.  It’s all about you being there!

For the child/adult who hasn’t met their parent.  Here’s your hug, here’s an ear to listen, here’s a tissue and I’ll dry your tears.  When you are down, I will reach out my hand and help you back up.  When you are sad, I’ll take you out for ice cream and then on the swings, and I’ll understand how you feel the whole way.  You can and will become anything that you want.  I will not let you fail.  You make me proud of who you are.  I might not be your parent, and I understand that void that you feel, trust me I do.  And when you look at your family tree and it has a bunch of missing branches, we can make new ones.  We can cross family off of the heading and put friends.

I leave for my vacation soon, and I will enjoy it.  It is not the trip I planned on taking, but it will give me time to lick my wounds and give me the time and space I need to really appreciate all that I have in my life.  I am so very blessed, and I truly hope you are too.



How Society Fails Our Children

This article is written for the children who don’t have responsible parents.  For the children that are being neglected and feel that they have no one.  When a child is born there is only a limited number of people involved in that child’s life: the hospital where they were born, the parents, the family members and the doctor’s office.  After a period of time, the community might become aware that there is a new baby that has just arrived.  So from the moment that child is born until the child enters either pre-school or kindergarten the community is the only thing besides family that might be in contact with that child.

When the child gets old enough for school, more people will be involved in the child’s life: the doctor giving a physical for entrance into school, the community, the parents, and the family members.

The key factor in all of these; is the community’s interaction with that child.  There is no one else to see if that child is safe, especially if family members do not come around or if the child doesn’t go to church or school yet.  Please keep this in mind; the bad people will continue to do bad especially when they know no one is taking any responsibility for that child.  If the parent doesn’t accept responsibility for whatever reason, the community HAS to step up and intervene.  The child needs to feel safe within the community.  For an example, if you had an emergency, your children would know where to run.  They would know the person’s house that they are going to.  This is the same circumstance, but this child doesn’t know you or anyone else in the community.  Where is he/she to go?  Who’s going to protect them and look out for their safety?  Who are they going to turn to?  We need to be more proactive, don’t wait for someone to come knocking at the door.  Take the initiative and go knock on their door.  And guess what, if people are coming around looking, let them, let them be nosey because at this point, not being nosey is killing too many of our young children.  They don’t even get a chance at life.  So if someone comes to your door and wants to talk, talk to that person and say ”thank you for caring,” because that’s all that it is.  I would rather have someone care than not care at all.

When a child starts school there are more people around the child.  At this point, there might be the bus driver, the school teachers the principal, maybe family members and anyone else.  At this point, these are the key people involved with the child, and the community as well.

Usually when a child experiences something, it will reflect in a child’s school performance.  There is usually a drop in the child’s grades, or the child starts getting into trouble, acting out.  When a child brings home their report card and his/her grades have dropped down from an A to a D, this is a sign that’s something’s wrong.  The teacher will probably have a conference with the parent to make sure they know about the problem and to get their input about the matter.  Things will be monitored more from that point.  But if you get more than one child in a classroom that has bad grades, and there are over 30 students and one teacher, how much can you truly monitor?    Oh I’m sure that a plan was devised to help bring the child’s grades up, and the parent probably had to sign off on all the children’s assignments, but that and maybe a follow up meeting is it.  I have spoken about a responsible teacher, a good teacher.  But what about all the teachers that are sitting there babysitting for the day?  Why are they still in the positions to teach our young?  You know the ones I’m talking about, they pass the child along, just because.  They don’t issue any homework assignments because they don’t want to spend the time grading it.  Those types of teachers don’t deserve their jobs, and they give teaching a bad name.  Those types of teachers are not helping our children and they are not worth their paycheck.  So let’s get rid of them.

I feel so sad for these children and I honestly feel that our system has failed so many of them.  All those little voices are not being heard at all.  This is not the teachers fault; they have heavy workloads and oversized classrooms.  And their jobs are being cut.  What we have been doing simply hasn’t been working.  Why would you care, it’s not your responsibility?  Guess what, it is your responsibility!  You will be paying for a long time for that child’s lack of education.  You will pay for special schools for them to go to when they get kicked out of the public school system, juvenile detention centers, and maybe the penitentiary.  So yes, you will pay for these children either now or later.  Remember, if a child wants attention, they will get it either positively or negatively.  If they’re not getting positive attention at home, they’re going to get the attention they need, negatively.

How can we help?  What can we do about it now?  The answer is simple; give a teacher the help that she needs to do her job effectively.  So what does that mean?  It means give her more help in the classroom.  I know people are grabbing their heads going, but we’re getting rid of teachers.  Yes we are and it’s so sad!  Do we really as a society want our children to do poorly in life?  I don’t think so.  I think there should be 1 teacher and 4 or 5 assistant teachers in every room.  This will help insure no child slips through the cracks.  It’s time our society starts fixing all the problems with children, before there is no more hope.  They are our nation’s future.  This is what I feel should take place.  If a child’s grade starts to fall, have the teacher speak with the child, and then one or two of the assistants.  What you’re trying to do is figure out WHY the grades are dropping.  What’s changed, or what has happened to the child that caused him/her not to care about their grades.  This has everything to do with home issues and not school issues.  You see, if anything bad happens to a child, it will be during the school years and it’s our obligation to look out for them.  Let that child interact with a few different people.  Sometimes children feel more comfortable with one person over another.  After the teacher and a few of the assistants have spoken to the child, then let the parents know about the grades slipping.

After the child and the parents have been spoken to about the grades and no changes have taken place, it will be time for the next step.  The school should have a counselor, more like a social worker to see what’s going on with that child.  I do feel that a school counselor should be mandated for every school at the elementary level.  Let the child build a rapport with someone, they will have to learn to trust that person, and a teacher simply does not have the time.  It might just make them feel better knowing that they have someone on their side, someone who cares about them.  Please remember one important fact; a child will not divulge any information about anything unless they feel 100% safe.  That’s why there should be 4 or 5 assistants; they can open up and speak freely.  If the child is abused in anyway, they will protect the parent.  Try and get children involved in after school activities; they learn how to interact and it helps their coping skills as well.

I cannot tell you how many times during my life time I have seen a rocket blast off into space.  I cannot tell you how many times I have seen an athlete that just signed a new contract with a new team with earnings that are just shocking.  I cannot tell you just how screwed up our society is.  Take those things that I just mentioned and then add this to it.  The number of times you’ve heard about a child being beaten to death by someone in their own household.  The number of times a child has been sexually or mentally abused by someone in their own household.  The number of times that a child died in their own house; with no parental supervision.  And that doesn’t even count all the children that have been hurt or hit by a car because of a parent not watching them.  How many parents don’t know where their kids are, or what their doing?  How many of them actually care?  If you don’t care about your child, why do you have them?  Why don’t you put them up for adoption and let someone else raise them and love them?  Why are older children parenting younger children?  That is not their job, it’s the parents job.  That’s why we have to do something.  As a member of society, and as member of the community as well we need to take these children under our wings and watch out for them and keep them safe, we might be all they have.  We might just be the only one who cares what happens to them.  Let’s change what hasn’t been working and find something that does.  My plan is just that, a plan.  It might not be the ideal way of resolving the issue, but it’s a start.  It’s a plan that if initiated, might just save the life of a child.  Or much better put, if this plan was already in place, how many lives would have been saved.  And by saved, I mean juvenile detention centers, penitentiary and possibly death.  We owe it to our young; let’s start hearing their silent cries.

I want to mention that the state of Indiana has recently passed a law that will have classes on dating and violence as part of their curriculum in their schools.   This is a very positive change and I hope that more states follow in their footsteps.  Thank you to the state of Indiana for taking that huge step in incorporating humanitarian issues into the curriculum.  Awareness brings knowledge, and knowledge plays a vital role in prevention.


The Moment of Desperation

This month’s subject is about that moment of desperation.  In that moment of desperation, there comes a change, an inner change.  Some people do not welcome change, they are resistant to it.  Some people are just too comfortable with the way things are; they can only see the negative side to making a change.  So they don’t initiate any changes and they let things go until they are totally bogged down. Or they have tried this tactic and they have tried that tactic to no avail, now they are overwhelmed.

Have you ever had it so rough that you don’t know how you’re going to make it through financially?  Or how you are going to adjust after a break up? Or when it feels like 10,000 things are hitting you all at once? Have you ever had one of those days where everything you touch just falls apart?  It is at that moment; when all the uncertainty in you is built up and you cannot take it anymore.  It is that feeling of helplessness.  I call that the pre-change, the moment of despair. It’s that moment before the big cry. When the flood happens, and you say a prayer, you hope that God hears you, and your feelings just poor out. It is at this moment that you realize that all the uncertainty is not about just one thing, it’s about everything.  It’s about everything that you stressed out about and you never realized that it was even bothering you.  Something might have happened a long time ago, but you put it in the back of your mind until now.

This is when the change happens. This is when your mind goes into overdrive.  You are looking at different ways to re-address or deal with those same issues as before.  I call it survival mode. The crying stops and you look in a mirror and the reflection that you see is that of a stronger person, your true self. You brush yourself off and you think of things that will help you with the situations you are confronted with. You become the person that says, I can do this, I can do anything; I am not weak anymore.  For some odd reason you think of things to help you get out from under the burdens that tied you down before.  A miraculous change had just taken place, you are not afraid of the uncertainty anymore.  Because you had reached that moment of despair, you thought of different ways of dealing with the same issue.  It could be money, a relationship, a new job situation, co-workers, sexual harassment, anything.  It helps you devise a new plan, a new plan of action that will help you get out of the bind that you are in.

Crying is good for the soul; it might just be the art of transforming.  Sometimes it takes for us to be at our weakest moment that we find our inner strength. There are some people that never get to this point.  Either way it is not a sign of weakness, it is more of awareness. With the economy being as it is, I feel that more people are experiencing this.  Remember to be proud of that person that is looking in the mirror; she is stronger than you think.  You might not feel the need to cry, and maybe it just comes when there is no more food in the house, and you get another bill in the mail that needs to be paid.  But you will come up with a brand new plan of action, a plan well thought out and within your reach, when you reach your moment of despair.


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